Following dreams vs following plans: A personal reflection

When I was eighteen, my mother convinced me to major in banking and finance. She felt that if I studied finance, I would achieve her goal of having a successful career and a comfortable life.

Like other Vietnamese teenagers at the time, I obeyed my mother's compelling suggestion. That was our Plan A.

I knew I was capable of anything but banking and finance, I was afraid of disappointing her.

Plan A was unsuccessful. I took a chance on my backup plan and was lucky enough to get into Hanoi University.

My mother made no comment about the failure of my Plan A. She was happy that I had been accepted into the university where she had studied, but I felt in my heart that she was disappointed that I had failed to follow her plan for my career.

Like many Vietnamese parents, my mum was and still is very sure what's good for her children and grandchildren.

I haven't lived up to the expectations that others have of me. But I don't blame them; it's my responsibility.

If I could go back in time and change things, I would study English and another language harder and pursue a career as a language teacher.

Le Cong Thanh, 25, has a different story.

His parents, who were civil servants, had always encouraged him to pursue a career in government service.

When Thanh was younger, he had amazing artistic abilities. Despite his lack of professional experience, his drawings were exquisite.

His parents were advised to send him to architecture and art schools. They rejected the idea, believing he wouldn't have a stable life as an artist.

Instead, Thanh was forced to apply to the National College of Economics. He was expected to complete his four years there and work in the same government agency as his father.

Many young men in Vietnam are denied the freedom to pursue their own interests and skills, as Thanh and I are.

It's our duty to fulfill our parents' dreams, get a good job, earn money, and secure power and connections to help family members and relatives. Our lifelong mission is to make our family names shine.

Some sons and daughters have been known to be beaten for the simple reason that they refuse to go along with what their parents want.

Parents need to change

"I love to draw," said Thanh. "I didn't get a chance to draw anymore. My first year as an economics student wasn't bad, but I couldn't fit in."

Thanh spent his first year lost and started smoking weed. He wasn't at home most of the time, seeking social contact with strangers.

At the end of the first year, he asked his parents for permission to withhold his academic results and to start afresh at a different school with a different career path.

It would be difficult for his parents to admit their mistake. Instead, as an act of contrition, they gave Thanh carte blanche to do as he pleased. By allowing him to pursue his goal, they hoped he would quickly learn how difficult life can be and that his ability to draw would not be of any use to him.

After a few years, Thanh became a different person. His thinking diverged from others in a negative way. His parents tried to make things right, but it was too late. It was never meant for Thanh to achieve what he loved and was capable of.

Nguyen Thai Viet, 35, now lives in Vinh Phuc province. He studied law against his father's wishes. Now he has made a name for himself and a reputation as a talented lawyer.

"I wouldn't tell my son what to do," he replied. "He has the last say. Another door will open for him even if he fails.

"Of course, it's a good idea to prepare our kids. But they are responsible for their own lives," Viet said.

Tra My, a government official, said her daughters would be free to choose their own paths when they grew up.

"In order to advise my child, I have looked at some schools and what they offer. But my girls love painting and art. I think it is best to let our children pursue their passions," she said.

For me, after all these years, I never blame my mother for making plans for my life. In Vietnamese tradition, that's what parents have to do to make sure their children grow up the right way. It's their job to make sure that we, the younger generations, are responsible for our lives and our families. It's never their fault if they try to guide us.

It's just the gap in thinking between the generations. They assume they have the best scenarios for kids to grow. However, such thinking can put pressure on their children and prevent them from realizing their full potential.

Let the children be who they are. Let them do what they can do. Never put them in our shadow.

That's because there are so many career paths that a person can take.

We may know what's best for our children, but we don't know if they can become the best version of themselves.

So, we should help them develop as much as they can and reach their full potential rather than restricting them within the confines of our protection.